Mark Hoolihan was born at the dawn of civilization, somewhere in the Fertile Crescent. He took no part in the early accomplishments of his contemporaries, believing that farming was a lot of hard work and you could never get the smell out of your clothes. He worked briefly as a scribe in Ancient Egypt, spending one semester abroad where he painted dirty pictures on the Great Wall of China and made up stories of romantic conquests to tell his friends.
In ancient Greece, Mark was a famous philosopher whose works were destroyed by the other philosphers due to his insistence on having sex exclusively with adult women. He then moved to Sparta where he is credited with this famous speech to Leonidas, "No, I'm sure 300 against half a million is acceptable odds. Why don't you just run up to Thermopylae and take care of business and I'll stay here and watch your wives and palaces for you while I plan the victory party."
In the 4th Century B.C.E. Mark was Alexander the Great's military advisor, and planned most of his victories. But the two had a falling out over the great culinary argument of Plaki vs. gefilte fish. In a rage Mark began spreading rumors that Alexander was gay. This campaign was so successful that Alexander, the inveterate ladies man, father of 25 illegitimate children in 10 different kingdoms, and author of the widely read memoir "Why I totally love to have sex with all the ladies" went down in history as a homosexual. When Alexander found out about this he died from an instant stroke.
In 44 B.C. Mark was Julius Caesar's best friend. He gave the famous warning,"Beware the Ides of March, because the senate is throwing you the biggest surprise party of all time." Then he stabbed his friend fifteen times, leading Caesar to utter his famous last words, "Marcus, you are truly an ***hole!"
During the height of the Roman Empire, Mark was a Senator remembered chiefly for demanding that most types of fish be granted Roman Citizenship and for getting really drunk and missing the barbarian invasions. There is no record of him during the dark ages, although he vehemently denies that the great works of Western Civilization were entrusted to his keeping during the sack of Rome. He’s sure he was out of town when that stuff happened and besides, his high school buddies didn’t bring any paper to roll anything with.
Mark spent several summers on the steppes of Central Asia, where he befriended a young Mongol goat herder. The two became close, and Mark's advice, "Temuchin, Temuchin, you should get out more, there's more to life than goats, go see the world." has made him a villain in Chinese history books to this day.
During the Renaissance Mark was an intellectual and inventor, credited with 28 volumes of the worst poetry ever published in any language, as well as 483 separate inventions, none of which actually worked or were in any way useful. During the age of religious wars he stayed at home and watched the cartoon network, because he was “too smart for school.”
Mark was once persecuted by the Spanish inquisition, who mistook his strange fascination with gefilte fish for actual Jewishness. This was not the last time this happened. Ironically, he later set the inquisition on his friend Galileo as a practical joke. Mark faked some mathematical calculations and convinced his friend that in fact the earth revolved around the sun. Galileo was persecuted but in an unforeseen consequence, Western science later adapted Mark's theories, setting humanity down a dark and dangerous path.
During the Enlightenment, Mark never read anything but pornographic French lithographs.
In the Eighteenth Century Mark was instrumental in getting Gin off the streets of London. One bottle at a time.
Mark was instrumental in the American and French Revolutions, helping to draft both the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of Rights of Man and Citizen. He also managed to have lots of wild affairs with women during the street fighting in Paris, although there is no independent record of this. He earned the gratitude of Napoleon by destroying all evidence of the general’s well known homosexuality, but later had a falling out over the importance of gefilte fish in modern diplomacy and in a fit of vengeance, rewrote the history books to make it look as if Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo.
During the industrial revolution, Mark was a six year old boy working the mines in Wales.
During the 1840's Mark was a wealthy but eccentric industrialist who bought up all the potatoes in Ireland in order to make a life size mashed potato sculpture of a volcano. He blamed the subsequent famine on "damn lazy Irishmen."
While vacationing in the South Pacific, Mark met a very naive Charles Darwin and convinced him that people had in fact descended from Apes. This poorly thought out joke sent Western Science down a dark and dangerous path from which it has never recovered.
During the American Civil war, Mark disguised himself as an African-American and enlisted in the 54th Massachusetts infantry, where he personally wet himself at the battle of James Island.
In 1876 Mark pranked Alexander Graham Bell with the greatest example of Mirthmaking ever, calling him up and asking, "Is your phonograph running? Then you better go catch it." Bell laughed so hard he was forced to make the first emergency phone call for medical help, "Come here Watson I need you."
In 1912 Mark was a famous marine architect, who argued that his ships were unsinkable and thus did not need lifeboats. He was on the Titanic when it sank but pushed several women and children out of the way to get on a lifeboat. He then changed his identity and moved to Germany where he made a fortune designing airships and coat hangers.
At least until one unfortunate incident involving a one hitter and a whole lot of hydrogen.
In 1913 Mark gave advice to a starving artist in Vienna, "Adolf, Adolf, this art thing is just not working out for you. Why don't you go to Germany." Mark has always regretted this decision because frankly, it was some pretty good art.
In 1914 Mark was an Archduke of Austria-Hungary whose assassination was responsible for the outbreak of war. He spent the next four years working as a fashion consultant on one of the battleships of the Austro-Hungarian navy, and is credited with inventing the double latte.
There are persistent rumors that Mark was involved in the Russian Revolution. His resume however, is curiously blank during those years. Mark claims to have spent his time selling gefilte fish in the Caribbean while having numerous affairs with local women, but there is no independent record of this.
During the 1930's Mark starred in several Hollywood musicals but is definitely not gay, despite whatever rumors you may have heard from sailors in the docks of Antwerp. Besides, it was college, it was a crazy time.
During the worst years of the Depression, Mark made a ton of money selling rotten fruit to poor people. He fought unsuccessfully against the New Deal and then moved to Germany, where he spent the war years as a door to door gefilte fish salesman, taking summers off to become America's greatest fighter pilot. This information was previously classfied and known only to Mark's fifth grade classmates.
During the D-Day landings at Omaha Beach, Mark was severely wounded while entertaining the troops. Brian Williams can confirm this story.
In 1945 Mark accidentally dropped the third atomic bomb on Detroit. The city has never recovered, leading to a long standing feud with Eminem.
That same year he helped his old college roommate, Ho Chi Minh, draft his Declaration of Independence for Vietnam. As a joke Mark then wrote an anonymous letter to the state department claiming Ho was a communist. This led to 30 years of warfare for Vietnam and poor Ho Chi Minh is falsely remembered in American history books as a communist.
In 1947 Mark successfully broke the sound barrier by jumping from a balloon chair, but the Air Force refused to enter him in the record books. In a fit of rage Mark burned down Pancho Barnes' place and began a long and bitter feud with Chuck Yaeger, which continues via Twitter to this day.
In 1948 Mark was a talent scout for the Washington Senators who turned down a hot young pitcher named Fidel Castro after an argument over sweet vs. spicy gefilte fish. Mark has always regretted this decision because franky, he was a really good pitcher.
In 1950 he was drafted to fight in Korea, but managed to get a spot in the Texas Air National Guard, where he earned the Congressional Medal of Honor as well as the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1954, during the battle of Dien Bien Phu, Mark was a CIA pilot working secretly for the French. He unwittingly brought the siege to a close by airdropping 300 cases of wine - of an inferior vintage.
In 1963 Mark truly believed Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, even though they were BFF's at Camp Comradski in Ekaterinburg, Russia several summers in a row.
During the civil right movement Mark personally wiretapped J. Edgar Hoover at the request of his good friend James Baldwin. He really didn't enjoy that task - at first.
In 1965 Mark was briefly elected Pope and fought vehemently to have Vatican II bring back the Inquisition. While many cardinals agreed with his "Tough on Protestants and Jews" policy, his constant complaining that purple mountain goats were planning to assassinate him using trained gefilte fish led to his being quietly transferred to another parish and written out of all official histories. Surprisingly the Vatican has undertaken a rather determined campaign in recent years to have him declared a saint.
In 1968 Mark deployed to Vietnam aboard the USS New Jersey, Serving his country the only way he knew how.
In 1969 Mark faked the moon landing in his basement using plastic models. Ironically even though Apollo 11 landed that same day Mark's footage is now considered authoritative and the actual photos are derided as cheap fakes. Neil Armstrong has never forgiven him for this.
During the Vietnam war Mark wore his hair short and voted for Nixon sixteen times in one day.
By the 1970’s Mark was considered one of America’s greatest statesmen. He single-handedly started the Yom Kippur War and encouraged OPEC to place an embargo on oil sales to the West.
Any rumors that Mark was ever in any way involved with Disco are completely false, but he was once the greatest Heavy Metal singer to have no actual talent whatsoever, at least until Axl Rose came along.
During the 1980’s Mark was a staunch supporter of Reagan, so much so that he volunteered for duty in the invasion of Grenada, earning three Medals of Honor. In gratitude Reagan declared him a national hero, stating, "Because of people like Mark the communists were foiled in their attempt to get hold of the Western Hemisphere's largest nutmeg plantations. Remember this the next time you bake a batch of cookies or drink a glass of eggnog: people died for that freedom." Unfortuneately for Mark, the liberal media never recorded his great victories.
In the fall of 1989 Mark joined the communist party declaring,"Now there's a movement with a future." In 1990 he sold his idea for the internet to Al gore for 500 dollars and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. During Gulf War One he was Vanilla Ice’s biggest fan.
In the 1990’s Mark definitely did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, but did display an odd affinity for photographs of Albanian Poodles. In 2001 he became a scriptwriter for FOX News and personally hid all of Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction in his backyard.
In 2002 Mark founded the website the Hoolinet, considered by many to be the low point in a career that has spanned five millennia. He may have earned a PhD somewhere along the way, but nobody really believes him.
*Historical Footnote: Historians often debate the original spelling of the name Hoolihan. One branch of the family spells it Houlihan. This is also the name of a semi-popular restaurant chain. The story actually stems from a family feud originating in the early twentieth century. A hard working Irish immigrant, Yitzhak Hoolihan, lived on New York's Lower East Side, where he made a living as a pushcart vendor, selling onion blossoms and various fried appetizers to the hungry population. Business was good and Yitzhak Hoolihan was poised to make his fortune. Unfortuneately he was jumped on the way to the patent office by several thugs from old man Bennigan's gang (Real cretins, that group: Seamus "Chili" Harper, Louis "The Fist" Applebee and Patrick "TGIF" Flanagan.) They really worked over old Yitzhak, stealing all his ideas, as well as his favorite jar of gefilte fish. Great Grandpa Yitzhak died shortly thereafter, bankrupt and despondent, reportedy of a broken heart, but possibly from a cracked sternum caused by Seamus Harper, still mumbling incoherently that there was money to be made from the wings of buffaloes. Old man Bennigan and his gang went on to restaurant fortune, leaving the Hoolihan family to fight over the spoils. Eventually Yitzhak's estranged brother, Shlomo Christian Houlihan, hired a sleazy lawyer and got the rights to what remained of the business. The Hoolihan side of the family has been bitter and impoverished ever since.
**Other historical footnote: Many historians have noted the odd resemblance between the name Hoolihan and the famous Hula dance of Hawaii. Recent research into the long lost Polynesian branch of the family has found this connection. The Hulauhans of Hawaii were an ancient and noble family whose name means "Those who dance the drunken dance before battle." They reached the pinnacle of their fortunes in the nineteenth century under the great Patriarch Kahikoauana Hulauhan, who was the Grand Vizier and advisor to the last queen of Hawaii, Liliuokalani. During the 1890's when threatened with American Annexation, Queen Liliuokalani asked her Grand Vizier for advice on how best to resist the Americans. Promising to gain intelligence, Kahikoauana engaged in negotiations, but secretly took a massive bribe from the sugar Barons in exchange for betraying the Queen's plans. He was later forced to flee the islands, taking his ill gotten gains to San Francisco where he squandered it all on whores, gambling and cheap street theater. The entire family has been bitter and impoverished ever since, still banned by the state constitution from ever setting foot in the Hawaiian islands again.