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 Jesus: The College Years Minimize

While the Bible ignores Jesus adolescence and adulthood, recent archaeological discoveries have begun to shed some light on Jesus lost years.

Naturally, Jesus went to temple.

Like many young people away from home for the first time, he experimented with some non-Jewish girlfriends.

Enraged at being denied entry to the Greek fraternities because he was Jewish, Jesus pulled the best prank of all time. He turned their wine into water. When they switched to beer, they found he had turned the beer to whale sperm, making them all ill. They really missed out, as Jesus was known for curing hangovers.

Of course even he couldn't make this Hangover better.

Eventually Jesus found acceptance with his own fraternity.

Jesus made the gospels ignore these years, but he was known for some wild times, including a fondness for weed. This is not strictly a sin, as the Torah does not forbid the bong, but the laws of Kashrut as expanded on in the Babylonian Talmud (Cannabis 4:20) do forbid the mixing of pot and dairy, and one night he and his girlfriend made a run for some ice cream and ate like 10 pints of Ben and Jerry's.

Academically, Jesus' record is mixed. He was good at  theology and Hebrew, but failed freshman geology, arguing with the teacher, "4,000 years old my ass, you'd have to be an idiot to believe that stuff. What do you do, just sit and watch foxes all day to get your knowledge of nature."

Jesus was often in trouble with security, and his "Do you know who my Dad is?" routine did not endear him to the administration.

Still, he was popular on campus, and did play a wicked wine pong.

After college, Jesus decided he wasn't going to go "work for the man" and instead went on a road trip with some of his buddies.

And we all know these things never end well.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet ( All Rights Absurd.


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