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April 29, 2369

Will Someone Please Spare Me From This Ship of Fools!

Somedays I just can't stand it. This crew is the worst in Starfleet and everyone knows it. They keep sending me their misfits and castoffs because I won't complain. I don't want to retire and go back to that boring run down vineyard in France. I can't get promoted because they don't trust me after the Borg incident, so I have to suck it up and pretend this is the best crew in Starfleet, even though any idiot can see it's not true. I've had to learn to talk my way out of fights, I couldn't even beat a Ferengi vessel. Somedays I think this crew couldn't handle a pair of Klingon whores with a scrapyard reject.

It's not just Barclay, they sent him to me as a joke. I also got the blind engineer, the windup toy officer, a Klingon who actually loses most of his fights, and a ship's counselor. That's not even a real position. It was made up by some politician to placate Troi's mother, who has influence and sleeps with the top brass.

And don't even get me started on Riker. I have to convince him to stay here because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but no one wants him on their ships and frankly he's not fit to command. He gets testy with the crew over minor disagreements, he has no good ideas, he just mindlessly repeats what I say and he is so obviously still smitten with Troi but won't just do anything about it, like his career.

I keep telling the crew we're the "flagship" of the Federation. Apparently none of them know what an actual flagship is. It has an admiral on board!

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 Captain Kirk Minimize

At least Riker goes out and gets some every now and then. An officer who won't isn't any good in a fight I always say. The only time Spock was any fun he was stoned on some magic space weed. Whereas you Frenchie only got some vaj once I seem to recall. And you bragged about it all over Spacebook, SpaceTwitter and MyOuterspace.

  

 Captain Picard Minimize

Her name was Vash actually. And she ran off with Q of all people. (entities?) She came crawling back later, turns out she misunderstood what the internet said about Q and thought he was omnipotent. Sometimes you just don't know what you're getting.

  

 Captain Kirk Minimize

Hah! That reminds me of the time Sulu tried to talk Spock into fooling around after a few pitchers of Romulan Ale at the Christmas party. All we kept hearing through the bulkhead was "Lieutenant, that is not logical."

  

 Captain Sheridan Minimize

It would have been better if he'd got Scotty in there. "I just can't give you any more, I'm giving it all she's got."  I never had any real complaints about Ivanova. Although I couldn't get her into bed to save my life. I haven't wanted to bang a Jew that bad since Melissa Gilbert. She kept claiming she was bisexual, but I never saw her with any man.

  

 Admiral Adama Minimize

Yeah right, "she's not into men". You just keep telling yourself that.
My second in command was a hopeless drunk still infatuated with the whore who dumped him. Oh and he was a cylon! (Spoiler Alert) Beat that.

  

 The Skipper Minimize

I can beat that, my first officer got us lost on a desert Island for years. And we were only three hours from California when we started! Now that's incompetent.

  

 Captain Picard Minimize

All right my esteemed colleagues, you have made your point, perhaps he isn't the most incompetent officer out there, but he is rather pathetic. If you're impressed with his womanizing you should know his one true love was some holographic porn he came up with. Even Barclay fantasized about real people.  Well thanks for listening dear friends. You know I can't ever tell my real feelings to that essential piece of Starfleet equipment, the ship's counselor. I have to put on my game face now and go pretend this bunch of misfits is "the best crew in the fleet."

  

 Jean-Luc Picard Minimize

Age: Who can tell? I seem to look the same decade after decade. I don't think I ever had hair.

Education: Homeschooled in France, then Starfleet academy on a Marcel Marceau Scholarship

Interested in: Any woman who whines less than Crusher and Troi.

Currently Listening to: Metallica (I do love classical music.)

Goals: Get a different posting, any posting.

  

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